*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
broke down and did it
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.