Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
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Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
😂😂😂
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
where the womens at?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?