Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.