Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
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you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.