I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
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Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son