Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
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Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”