Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
My first son he is wonderful
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’