A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
early stone age tool
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?