I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
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[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
Taking phone security to the next level.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.