Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
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Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
this is the best day of my life
Capt. Marvel: I would like to return this product.
Salesperson: what seems to be the problem?
Capt. Marvel: well, you called it a vacuum cleaner, so I tried using it in space and it didn’t clean any vacuum.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice