Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
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Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
She was REALLY feeling it.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”