new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
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my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.