Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
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Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
December birthdays be like…
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.