wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
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I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
So the ex texted me
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.