“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
You Might Also Like
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’