The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
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Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too