If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
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I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Every work meeting this week
[kissing at a bar]
HER: wanna get out of here?
ME: (glances over at the menu and sees they have potato skins) not really
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!