rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
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SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
liiiiiiiiike
One of the best
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Every BBC series about the universe.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach