and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
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so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
oppen heimer style lol
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi