Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
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I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets