Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I put the h in mysterious.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.