“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.