Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words