I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: *in the dentist chair*
Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an