Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
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The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces