Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
me and who
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…