me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
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an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
A roof is a house hat.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going