Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that鈥檚 simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I鈥檓 wearing spanx and i can鈥檛 breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don鈥檛 know why you wore those it didn鈥檛 even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don鈥檛 mind waiting, but give me the goss
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they鈥檙e Christmas presents for him and he doesn鈥檛 ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Excuse me, I鈥檓 sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
The Olympics were so inspiring I鈥檓 now commuting to work via pole vault
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 馃槈
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can鈥檛 find it anywhere. i hope i didn鈥檛 eat it. that sounds like something i might do
become ungovernable
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!