Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
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Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
Still my favourite meme.