Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
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Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Fiction has to make sense.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.