Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
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I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
The Sun’s probably Asian.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.