One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
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Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.