Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
You Might Also Like
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.