Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Perfect
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork