mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
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[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*
Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.