I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
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How to cow tip:
First, sneak up behind the cow.
Next, get into a wide stance.
Finally, slip the money into it’s bell.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
This could be us… but you playing
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no