My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
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My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards