On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
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I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.