me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
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Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Don’t touch that.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon