[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
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If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese