was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen