We’ve come full circle
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The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What