My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
found my next D&D character name
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.