drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
i prefer mine room temperature.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no