Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
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There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Bond. Trauma bond.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist