Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
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Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB