high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
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[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Hit me in the face with a bird
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
What the hell is going on?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
the best thing i’ve ever made