Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
My wife gives the best headache.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
cutting my arm off BEFORE going hiking so that the 127 hours thing doesn’t happen to me.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move