the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
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Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.