Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
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POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.